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If you are living in Japan, and have Japanese friends or co-workers, there is a good chance you may be invited to a wedding.

But by wedding, I do not necessarily mean the wedding itself.

In Japan, people get married in the Japanese Shinto Style or the Christian Church wedding style.  They will get married in the church even if they are not Christian.

In the case of a Shinto ceremony, only the closest family will attend. For a church wedding, usually everyone is invited.

The main event for the bride and groom is actually the wedding reception (披露宴 hirouen).  This is the ceremony you will be most invited to.

How to RSVP a wedding invite
Japanese wedding invites come with a self-addressed, stamped postcard that you need to send back.  In the front, it will have the name and address of your friend already written.  But at the end of his/her name it will have the kanji 行. Cross that out and write 様 (sama) next to it.  It is rude for your friend to write 様 for himself, so you have to do it for him!

On the back, there will be two lines of kanji, 御出席 (ossyuseki, attend) and 御欠席 (okesseki, decline).  You will have to cross out the 御, because it is an honorific, and you want to be humble when accepting or declining, and circle the other two kanji’s.  Next to the kanji, you should write something personal to show how happy you are to attend (eg. 喜んで) or how disappointed that you cannot (残念ながら).

Also, if there are any more honorifics near your name and address, be sure to cross them out. http://www.kankon.com/kandir/kokoroe/a.htm

Registering and giving Gosyuugi
Now you are ready for the 披露宴! First at the reception, you will be asked to write you name in the register.  There will be two registers, one for the bride and one for the groom. You will write in the register of the friend who invited you.  If both bride and groom are your friends, then you should write in the one that is the same sex as you.

Then you will give your present. In Japan that is cash ご祝儀 (gosyuugi).  Buy a wedding cash envelop(金包み kanetsutsumi)e at your local convenience store or stationary store.  This will have an outer envelope that is very flashy, an inner envelope that will have your cash, a narrow piece of paper and a wire ribbon.  You will put your cash in the inner envelope, put your name, address, and amount in the back on the envelope, wrap that in the larger envelope, write your friend’s name on the narrow piece of paper, put that in front of the large envelope, and finally hold it all together with the wire ribbon. It should look like this. http://www.kankon.com/kandir/kokoroe/a.htm#A4

The amount you need to “wrap” really varies, but in Tokyo, the accepted amount is JPY 30,000.  It should be an odd number.  Even numbers can be “split” evenly, so it is not desirable at weddings.  And the note should be brand new.  Just go to your local bank and tell them you need new notes for a wedding. 結婚披露宴のため、ピン札と交換してください。 (Kekkonn hioruen no tame, pin satsu to koukan shitekudasai. Please exchange these notes to new notes for the wedding reception.)  Give this envelope at the reception desk.

Hirouen
Now you are ready to party! The 披露宴 is basically a sit-down dinner.  You will be directed to a specific seat. All seats are reserved, your seat will have your name on it.  The tables closest to the front are for family and honored guests like company bosses.  Dont be insulted if you get a seat near the back or the side.  A lot of thought on who to respect and such are put into seating arrangements and usually the good friends are the ones that get the short end of the stick.  An uncle whom the groom hasn’t met since he was 3 usually gets the better seat on the virtue of him being the groom’s older brother.  I know a lot of couples who have fought bitterly with their parents on this, and I truly feel for them, so please forgive them!

While dinner is being served, there will be a short welcoming address by the MC, who will then ask someone (pre-picked) from each side of the family to give an introduction about the bride and the groom.  After that, there will be more speeches from friends and relatives on either side of the family congratulating the happy couple.

If you are a foreigner, chances are you will be asked to give a speech.  I have (as of Apr. 2008) given 2 speeches to the four ceremonies that I have attended. My sister has given a speech at every single wedding she has attended. 

When giving a speech, do not make any off-color jokes.  Your friends may laugh and understand, but remember that grandma and grandpa may not appreciate it!  Also, try not use words like “Split”, “Break”, “Bad” because they are not considered good words to be used on an auspicious occasion.

After all the speeches are done, the bride may change her outfit.  I have only been to weddings where the brides changes at most once, but I have heard weddings where the bride changes 4 times!

Then they will cut the cake!  You will be allowed to leave your table and get close for a shot of this, if you want.

When things settle down, for a while there is nothing to do, so you can eat your food, bring a bottle up to the bride and groom’s table and pour them a drink, or you can take that bottle and go around pouring drinks to the parents, relatives, etc.  Go have fun!

Then the bride and the groom will do what is called the “Candle Service”, holding a long lighter, they will go around to each table and light the candle at the end of the table, thanking each group for coming to the reception.

Finally there is the “crying time”.  At the door, the parents of the bride and the groom will be waiting.  The bride and groom will hand flowers to their parents and then the bride will read a letter to her parents thanking them for bringing her up.  This is where they all cry…… ( ;  ; )

And then you can leave!  The reception is usually about 3 to 4 hours.  Now on to the Nijikai!